24 Feb My wife has a secret bank account that she won’t share. What now?

Q. I just learned my wife has been keeping a bank account a secret from me. It has more than $150,000 in it and she refuses to share it. We have some pretty big credit card debt — mostly hers from shopping a lot — but in the meantime this money is sitting in an account that I can’t use to pay off the bills. What can I do?
— Husband

A. We’re sorry to hear about this.

You probably have a lot to unpack with your wife.

Attitudes and habits around money are formed early in life and can be difficult to change, said Jody D’Agostini, a certified financial planner with The Falcon Financial Group in Morristown.

This is a good time to start the conversation regarding her reasons for holding back money to see if there’s something that needs disclosing, she said.

“I would recommend that together you engage a financial planner to create shared goals and visions for your family’s future,” she said.

You can create a household budget starting with your fixed expenses, D’Agostini said. Those are the expenses that you need to pay monthly including mortgage or rent, homeowner’s insurance, food, clothing, medical, transportation, etc.

Everything else is discretionary and should be in proportion to the amount available to fund them. These are “wants” vs. “needs,” she said.

Savings should be a part of the monthly expense for retirement, a home, education, etc. and a good target would be 10 to 15% of your earnings, she said.

“You can create buckets if it works for you; yours, mine, and ours,” D’Agostini said. “Fund the ‘ours’ first, and then the amount that you each take, can be spent by both parties with no questions asked. Make sure that the amounts are sufficient to meet your goals.”

D’Agostini said getting on the same page about household finances is critical for long-term success and can lighten the long-term lift by saving early and often and investing wisely. Agreement on these goals can lead to long-term success and trust in the relationship, she said, noting that money issues are the number one reason for divorce in the U.S.

She also reminds you that there is “good” debt and “bad debt.”

Good debt can be a mortgage for a new home where you pay it off over time and establish equity, she said. Also, educational debt can be good if it leads to better employment income over a lifetime, she said.

But credit card debt does not fall into this category.

“The interest is usually 25% or more and compounds. Retiring this debt as soon as possible is advisable,” she said. “If you already have money that she is holding, then this would be a good plan.”

Next, be sure to establish household spending by creating your budget and then revisiting it frequently to be sure you stay on track, she said.

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This story was originally published in February 2025.

NJMoneyHelp.com presents certain general financial planning principles and advice, but should never be viewed as a substitute for obtaining advice from a personal professional advisor who understands your unique individual circumstances.